I haven't lived with my ex for almost two years... I don't even have a joint bank account with Josh (who is really good with money by the way!) and yet I still get a sinking feeling every time I check my bank account. I hate it. I'm the only one who spends money on that account. I know exactly how much is in there... So why do I dread checking it? I literally get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I log onto the bank website... or even think about logging on.

When I was married to my ex-husband our bank account was in the negative more times a month than it was positive. Some times it wouldn't even go into the positive on paydays. It was bad. Unfortunately, for my ex it hasn't changed... I still get e-mails from the bank telling me that the account ending in **** is now in the negative. (I wish he would change the e-mail address on there already!) When we were married I would dread logging on to the account not only because it was in the negative, but because I would then see where the money was going. I didn't have a car.... I very rarely left the house (when he wasn't on deployment)... I hardly ever spent the money unless it was for groceries, our son or bills. I always knew what I was going to see when I logged on. I was going to see charge after charge for ATM withdrawals, cigarettes, alcohol, fast food and gas. I'm talking hundreds of dollars a month on each of these things. Mostly at places on base or just off base at a local bar. It makes me sick just thinking about it right now.

I know my life is completely different now.... I just wish my subconscious mind would keep up.