Why am I freaking out? Well, it's probably because I have so little time and still so much to do before Baby Josiah arrives! It could be that I've never waited this long before getting everything prepared. It might also be that I've never had 2 kids, a husband and 2 dogs to take care of as well as my own household to run.

This is definitely new territory to me.

It might seem strange to those of you who have had babies and who have done all of this before and think that it's really not that big of a deal. Especially for baby number three. You might be thinking that I've already had two kids... so what's the difference with number three?

Well... The answer is pretty much the same with both of my first two boys. I was living at my mom's house and I didn't have a husband around to help me. Of course they were both very different circumstances. With Camron, my (ex) husband was on deployment to Iraq. With Brady, my (ex) husband was divorcing me and was too busy with his new (pregnant) girlfriend to help out at all. (Do I still sound bitter? lol Maybe. I just think it's wrong that so many men out there get to start completely over while the women they leave are left to handle all the responsibilities... that they helped to create... on their own.)

With both boys I felt like I had all the time in the world to prepare for the new baby's arrival. I had their rooms ready, all of the baby essentials bought, hospital bags were packed... and it was all done about 3 months before they were born!

I have three weeks! (Give or take.) I feel so unorganized and unprepared. I just barely bought the first package of newborn diapers yesterday... and that will last what? 3 days. If we're lucky. So we need to buy lots more ASAP! I have to finish washing all of the old baby clothes and blankets that I've had in storage for the past 2 years. (I think I have about 3 more loads to go... Then it becomes, where the heck am I going to put it all?!) I have to pack a hospital bag for me and Josh. I'll also need to pack Josiah's going-home stuff. I have to pack a bag for both boys so they have everything they need while staying at Nana and Papa's house while I'm in the hospital. I still have to turn the back part of my living room into a make-shift nursery. Complete with a cot for me to sleep on, the bassinet for baby and a changing area. I also have to find some place for a few extra clothes and blankets for those middle of the night diaper blow outs or spit-ups... because I don't want to wake the boys by getting it out of their room.

I think it felt like things were easier to get done with my first two boys because I actually had a lot of help from my mom. My step dad was working out of town both times that I gave birth while I was living there. So she had tons of time to help me! This time around I have my own household to run. Dinner to make. House to be cleaned. Two boys to take care of. A husband to keep happy... So I'm almost doing all of this on my own. I have a lot more responsibilities on my shoulders than I had before. It's kind of nerve wracking to think that I'm the one who has to make this transition go as smoothly as possible.

I don't want this blog post to sound like I'm complaining about anything. I'm really not complaining. Or even getting close to complaining. I'm just stressing and I think writing it all out helps me gain some sort of clarity to be able to put it all in perspective for me.

I'm so grateful for my little family and the life that I have. I'm so excited about Josiah's arrival and having our family finally feeling complete. I know that in the end everything will work out and I'll feel like I was stressing out for nothing. I have pretty much everything that I'll need for him in his first month of life... it's just a matter of getting organized. I'm great at organizing. I just need to take it one step at a time and focus on the task at hand. I'll set some goals for myself this week... I'll write them down and cross them off one at a time. I think it'll help me in feeling like I'm getting anything accomplished.

So here we go! I'm giving myself one week to get everything done. Time to set some goals and get things done!

I knew that you didn't really care when you went 18 months without seeing the boys (Brady was 2 days old and Camron had just turned 2) and had only called me about 5 times... and not to talk to them or even ask about them, but to talk to me about child support. You would make excuses about not having enough money to fly out here. Or your one legitimate excuse about being deployed to Japan for 6 months...

So when you called me last month about coming out here to visit with the boys you can understand why I was so suspicious about your sudden interest. Why did you care to see them now? Why after a year and a half did you want to see them? I asked myself this over and over... I just didn't get. You just don't do things like that unless there's something in it for you.

On August 2nd you and I planned to meet at Sea World so you could spend some time seeing the boys. (I laughed at you when you asked to take them over night for a day or two. Haha you're crazy!) I thought it was really weird that you were bringing your new girlfriend with you. I guess I just figured that she had flown out here with you and wanted to see the sights that SD had to offer. Who wouldn't want to go to Sea World, right?

I'm sorry (well not really) if you felt offended that I didn't want them to call you daddy. I really don't think you've earned that title... They have a daddy who loves them and I just didn't think that it would be fair to them to confuse them even more than they had to be. They were after all, meeting a complete stranger. I think it was fair to tell them that you're their biological father named Ronnie. Of course they're way too young to know what that means. They'll understand more as they get older.

I told you that Brady wouldn't have anything to do with you. He's going through a stage where he will not even look at a stranger... let alone allow one to talk to him. I warned you.

Of course Camron is such a sweet boy that he gets along with everyone. Don't feel too special because he was warming up to you. Most 3 year olds will do that to anyone who will show them an ounce of attention. Especially when they're bought stuff... They will take what ever they can get their lil hands on!

So by the end of the day I had the chance to talk to the new gf.... Imagine my surprise when she told me that she had flown out here from Japan and mentioned that she's stationed out there. AND that you two had met out there. Hmm.... does ex wife #3 know about this? That you left her and your fourth son for another woman... Karma really is a you know what. Can I just say, I told you so? Yeah, I told you so.

Anyway, that STILL didn't explain why she had met you out here in SD and not back in SC where you actually live. I didn't really question it, but it was always in the back of my mind. I thought that maybe you were just trying to kill two birds with one stone. I really thought that maybe, just maybe you actually wanted to see the boys and to get to know them. Why I always think the best of you, I'll never know.

When we left Sea World you made it seem like you were thinking of seeing the boys some more before you left. After all, you were staying in SD a whole week or more... I should have known better. I haven't heard from you since. Oh yeah, except for the time when I contacted you via text 2 days later... mentioning that a mutual friend had told me that you had a facebook page and if you wanted to you could find me and add me as a friend so you could feel more included in the boys lives. I was willing to give up some of MY privacy so that you could watch your boys grow up. I told you that I have a million pictures of them up on my profile and that about 95% of my updates are about them. You told me that as soon as you had access to the internet again you would do that. It's been over a week... I don't think you had any plan what-so-ever to do that. Fine by me. I'd rather keep my life and your life as separate as possible anyway. Just don't say that I ever tried to keep them from you.

It wasn't until later on when I was dishing to my BFF about our day that she did some super sleuthing and found out the real reason why you and the new gf were in town. Apparently she (along with her whole family) had come to SD to watch her brother graduate from Navy Boot Camp on August 3rd... and then celebrate with him while he was on leave. No wonder we just had to go to Sea World on the 2nd. Couldn't do anything while the family was in town, right?

I'm sure the 3-4 hour visit with the boys was just to show your new gf that you're not a complete a-hole. Gotta keep up appearances, right? Always trying to show yourself in a good light. Can't have her thinking bad about you already... She'll learn. Just like ex wife #1 did, I did and ex wife #3 did. Could she be future ex wife #4? I think there's a good possibility. Only time will tell.

Please just do me a favor next time, k? Don't use my children as your little pawns in this game of yours. They deserve better. Either be in their lives or don't! This sporadic visitation is not going to fly with me.

I'm sure I'll be hearing from you again in 2 years. Talk to you then.....

I haven't lived with my ex for almost two years... I don't even have a joint bank account with Josh (who is really good with money by the way!) and yet I still get a sinking feeling every time I check my bank account. I hate it. I'm the only one who spends money on that account. I know exactly how much is in there... So why do I dread checking it? I literally get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I log onto the bank website... or even think about logging on.

When I was married to my ex-husband our bank account was in the negative more times a month than it was positive. Some times it wouldn't even go into the positive on paydays. It was bad. Unfortunately, for my ex it hasn't changed... I still get e-mails from the bank telling me that the account ending in **** is now in the negative. (I wish he would change the e-mail address on there already!) When we were married I would dread logging on to the account not only because it was in the negative, but because I would then see where the money was going. I didn't have a car.... I very rarely left the house (when he wasn't on deployment)... I hardly ever spent the money unless it was for groceries, our son or bills. I always knew what I was going to see when I logged on. I was going to see charge after charge for ATM withdrawals, cigarettes, alcohol, fast food and gas. I'm talking hundreds of dollars a month on each of these things. Mostly at places on base or just off base at a local bar. It makes me sick just thinking about it right now.

I know my life is completely different now.... I just wish my subconscious mind would keep up.

A few weeks ago Josh went on a trip to Saint Louis, MO. He was there for a job interview... and unfortunately he didn't get the job.

No biggie...

We've decided that with the economy the way that it is and with the HVAC industry being in it's slow time of year we're going to be putting our St. Louis plans on hold. Just for the time being. This Summer when business starts picking back up we'll try again.

So for now we'll be staying in San Diego. I'm not really complaining though. Beach, mountains, desert, nice weather, sea world, zoo... Could be worse. ;)

We are moving though.... down the street and around the corner into a house with a garage, washer/dryer hookups and a yard. The bedrooms are a bit smaller than where we're at, but we'll have a yard to play in to make up for it! Moving day is next weekend, the 27th!

---------------------------

In other news, my ex-husband returned from Japan sometime this month. I got a text from him the other day and we talked briefly on the phone... Apparently he and New Wife aren't hitting it off so well and they're getting a divorce. (Can I just shout out a BIG, "I TOLD YOU SO!"???) Does everyone else see the pattern now? Get them pregnant, marry them and leave them before the baby is even a year old. (For the record, our marriage was actually planned, babies were planned... and some how I managed to last 6+ years before I got cut. Wife #1 and #3, not so lucky.)

Now I'm just feeling really sorry for the guy. It's sort of hard to explain. I guess I'm feeling sorry because he just seems so lost. He's 28 years old, married 3 times and has 4 boys that he'll probably never get to know.

I wrote this in a letter to him just over a year ago... (December 2008)

"I really hope you've thought long and hard about all of this before you decided to give up your chance at being a family with us. It would be incredibly sad if you decided a month or 6 months or a year from now that you've made a huge mistake... because by then the damage will have been done and the 3 of us will have moved on with our lives without you."

Wow.

The job search isn't going too well. Josh heard back from several companies, but they weren't offering him the pay and benefits he'd like. He makes pretty good money here (with some awesome benefits) in San Diego and they're offering him jobs for $12 and $15 per hour with little to no benefits. That's a huge pay cut and I can understand why he doesn't want to do it.... Even if it all balances out in the end. Less pay, less cost of living and less rent. We'd be almost as well off as we are here. However, we're moving to Saint Louis in hopes of being be one step up from where we are here. We don't want to be stuck in a little apartment forever.

It's looking more and more like we'll be staying here in SD for the time being and saving every penny we have. At least until Josh gets a good job offer. He's applied to and contacted (via me) almost 200 different companies in Saint Louis County. So we're still crossing our fingers that he hears back from a good one.

---------------
In other news, I heard from the Ex yesterday. I guess we screwed up our 2008 taxes and we're being audited. :( He said we owe them quite a chunk of change. I'm worried that since Josh and I haven't received our return yet that they're going to take the money straight out of there. (Darn you EX... and doing your taxes in mid January! He already got his back...) We'll still have money left over, but it would definitely affect our plans to move. Less money back on the return = more money we are going to have to save up... If we have to stay here for a bit longer I'm gonna want to move out of this apartment which probably means having to sign another lease. We'd stay where we're at, but I'm really not liking this apartment any more. There's so much awful going on here that I just don't have the energy to list it all. (Just to name a few: Leaky fixtures that they don't seem to know how to fix. Neighbors that party and smoke RIGHT outside our door. Dog poop every where you look - and step! Never any hot water - We take luke warm showers. Washing machines that only do half loads -Sick of paying $60+/month to do our laundry!) The only real upsides to living where we are is that it's only a 5-10 minute drive to work for Josh AND we have central heat and air.

---------------
I'm still on my mini blogging break. I just felt like updating. Not sure if I'll ever get back into blogging as much as I was. It was taking up a lot of my time and I'd much rather be spending that time with my kids and Josh. :)

*By the way, weight loss is going pretty well!! Lost about 6lbs so far!*

For Christmas and our birthdays Josh and I got 6 movie tickets. Last night my mom watched the boys for us so  we could go out on a date to see a movie. (We haven't been on a date since before we got married.) We ended up seeing Nine... I really didn't care for it. I'm just not in to musicals and especially musicals with an awful story line. Anyway, we still enjoyed ourselves. We spent waaay too much on snacks and drinks. $20 on popcorn and soda and we snuck in $20 worth of candy from The Sweet Factory. Last time we went out to the movies together we were on our first date. (He was so nervous that he had a hard time even holding my hand... Later that night was a different story... Our first kiss... Best first kiss EVER! lol)

Now to the strange phone call. Ronnie (my ex-husband) called me last night on our way to the movies. Weird. I never get phone calls from him. He had called to thank me for the pictures that I sent to him on Monday. He apologized for not calling on Christmas. Weirder. (Said his phone was shut off for not paying the bill.) He was actually nice to me and was being super friendly. Weirdest. I was able to ask him about dental insurance for the boys and I was also able to ask him about getting my name taken off the car loan without him biting my head off. It was kind of an odd conversation too...

Me: I know you're still in Japan right now, but when you get back to the states do you think you could work on refinancing the 4Runner so you can take my name off the loan? Maybe refinance with New Wife's name on it?

Him: Yeah of course. I don't get back til March though... and yeah... probably not with New Wife's name on it. No more co-signing for me. I swear, by the end of my life I'm gonna have eight or nine ex-wives.

Hmm... very interesting... Trouble in paradise? That or he doesn't want me to think too much of their relationship. He does that all the time though. I know him all too well. He'll brush off his relationships to other people as if they're nothing, but then to that person he'll shout his love from the roof top. (As long as no one else can hear of course.) Poor New Wife. I wonder if reality is setting in for her yet...

Moving on... Our date ended at 9:30pm when we picked up our sleeping boys from Nana's house. She asked me not to have her watch them while they're sick... Um... wasn't aware that either of them were sick. I do, however, remember you mentioning that you thought you were getting sick as I dropped them off. So yes, now I have a sick 3 year old. Fun stuff.

Who knows when we'll make it out to the movies again. I hope the gift certificate we got doesn't expire any time soon!

Thanksgiving is tomorrow! I'm pretty excited because we get to spend time with family that we don't get to see everyday.

It's always been a family... ok MY... tradition to go over to my Grandparent's house for the holidays. Ever since I was a child we spent every year doing the same thing. When I was married to Ron he never argued with me about where to go because his family is spread out over several states. It worked for us at that time. Now I'm married to someone who has family here in town... Things are going to be a little different.

This year and next there's going to be a lot of firsts for both Josh and I. We just spent our first Halloween together... not really a big deal to us or our families. Next is Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. We're going to have to figure out and establish our own traditions. New traditions. I think it's important for Josh, the kids and I to come up with our own. Next year we're planning to move to Missouri and we won't have our families around...

Maybe next year we'll figure out our own family holiday traditions. I think this year we'll just spread ourselves thin and try to visit everyone who wants to see us. We won't have the option next year so I think it will be worth it.

First stop for Thanksgiving will be Josh's parents house at noon. We'll eat just enough to hold us over for the next meal. After we finish up there we'll head to my grandparent's house around 2pm where we'll eat a little bit more and probably have dessert.

Next we'll head over to my mom's house for a quick hello and to drop the boys off with her. They're going to be spending the night with her so I can do some Black Friday shopping in the wee hours of the morning. (Wish me luck on that...) I'm still trying to convince Josh to come with me. He hates crowds and he hates shopping. Black Friday is not a good mix for him...

Now I'm off to make some pumpkin pies for tomorrow's feast!

You can now read the rest of this over on my old blog: The Divorced Mom. I will not be posting anything about my previous marriage in this one.

I've been doing some reading over at the blog, The Quest For T. Lately she's been writing about the affair that she had during her marriage to her ex-husband. Reading her words has really made me think about my own situation and what I went through during my marriage to Ron. There's a lot of stuff that I've never told anyone about. There's a lot that even my ex-husband doesn't know about. I'm sure he could say the same thing about me. Our marriage was pretty much doomed from the start. Looking back I can see that now.

At the time I was a naive 18 year old girl who had just graduated high school. He was a 21 year old United States Marine stationed here in San Diego. He had his own apartment... that he shared with his brother and his co-worker. Back then I thought the world of him. He had me fooled. He had us all fooled. I wasn't completely innocent though. That year I had made plenty of mistakes. Mistakes that would truly hurt my mother if she knew about everything I've done in my life.

When I was 17 I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That's a pretty hard time in any persons life to decide to change religions and join a church. It didn't last very long. I still believed in the church doctrine, but I just wasn't ready to fully commit myself to it. So yes, I'm Mormon. I'm very active in the Church now, but during my whole relationship with Ron I wasn't going to church... it was the furthest thing from my mind.

I think I'm ready to talk about everything that's happened. I think it will help me process everything and allow me to really move on with my life. I'm going to be writing about everything from the good times (which were few and far between), sex, our affairs, drugs, drinking... If that's something that you're not comfortable reading about then please don't read. I won't be writing about this stuff every day, but there will be a large portion of my blog that will talk about my past. It's not who I am today, but my past has helped shape me into the person I am now.

I'll type up a few drafts and when I'm ready to share I'll post them... I just thought I should give a fair warning of what may lie ahead.